BIRTHING YOURSELF Home

I am sitting here on a bed that is not mine, cocooned in my emotions like a little blanket while I overlook the canals of the Murray River which I now call my home.

It hasn’t lasted long at all, no where near long enough for my yearning heart.

I yearned so long to be here in this space and now I have obtained it, its getting ripped from me completely….

But let me go back to the start of this journey of my time away from a life that I had created and how these experiences have shaped me back home into myself again.

Reborn.

Woven parts of my soul I had forgotten back into the fabric of my existence.

Last year I left my home, I travelled far and wide across Australia and over to Bali to allow myself time to heal and grow. I always believed that sometimes we truly have to get lost in the forest to find ourselves again.

I have changed so much over the last decade from the girl I once was, and I was truly yearning to find her again and leave my worries of womanhood behind for some time while I could really connect with her wild being ways and fun, adventurous spirit.

So I journeyed by myself for some time, and then with some other people and when I returned home from this journey I fell into a pretty dark place and a depression beyond what I could comprehend. This was the start of my unwinding, where I decided to pack up my life and follow my heart where it wanted to take me.

And I landed over in Western Australia.

The opposite side of Australia and far away from everybody I knew.

I was alone for a very long time here, being independent and tending to other people in ways I was not used to. I let my entire life ago, I dropped my online presence to truly drop into real life for a little while and create bonds and community where I could. I even got a part time job to become a normal person and meet people.

Being normal doesn’t last long for me though. When I am out of alignment, I am quickly whipped back into shape very fast and abruptly…

For a time, all the alone time was wonderful. I really found myself again and parts of myself that were sleeping for some time. This vivacious zest for life started flowing back and I was super excited to experience my new life.

All this time, I still held clients and just dropped everything else. My hardest moments of my life, I am still able to show up and hold the deepest of spaces for transformation, but I chose to let a lot of everything else I was passionate about dissolve completely to find myself again.

I found the fierce woman in me, the powerhouse and unwavering part of me that knows my mission and purpose.

I found my inner childlike, innocent and playful nature that had been missing and wanted to come out and cause mischief and I missed her so much.

My inner rebel that likes to do things against the grain of society is still very much alive. Hence, my weird little 8-month hiatus from my entire life pre 2023 and social media alike.

My very sexual self that had not been able to be expressed was reclaimed and I feel really delicious about my body and my worth as a woman.

Now I am back into the game of social media and willing to be seen in a new way.

In a way that I really, truly, honestly, do not give a fuck about what anybody thinks about me anymore.

Not my choices, not the way I live or love or share myself.

This was a deep patterning within me for so long that I was unable to show up fully as myself and I was an overpleaser for others and worried about their perceptions of me, of my work, how I lived and everything in between.

And now?

IT IS GONE.

And I feel I had to go on this journey by myself and remember these parts of me that are so independent, wild and free, to truly come back into spaces and share from a place full of authenticity and rawness.

My work is something that is dripped in reclamation of the self in all the ways. So I must journey into the rebirthing space a multitude of times and find myself and parts I have left behind to sing them back home.

I live my work; I preach it and I embody it on every level.

Sometimes you have to do unconventional things, walk that narrow path that looks strange to everyone else. Sometimes you have to truly get lost and leave your footprints far away from your home and your people to see who you truly are without them. Sometimes you have to go back and remember parts of yourself that you have tossed aside because they “don’t serve you anymore.” Sometimes you have to let everything dissolve completely and disentangle yourself from the notion that you have to grip so tightly to things, people and places that are meant to be in your life.

My learnings this past year have been tough, and at times, I thought I was going to explode mentally, but the wisdom is rising from the ashes of this wreckage.

This may not be my home or my place and space anymore.

The people I have met will become memories once again that I look back on with fondness from time to time.

But I found something more incredible.

I found me, my voice, what I stand for, what I am willing to do for love, what drives me and picked up several pieces that I want to take home with me again.

And isn’t that the point?

What if, this whole life is about coming back into love with yourself, again and again and always having a home within yourself that cannot be shaken by outside forces.

What if…..

The point all along was for you to capture that spark within you and light this whole fucking earth on fire with your illuminous glow.

And really do it with such ferocity that leaves others in awe of your beauty and ability to hold firm in your knowing and liberated self.

I have done many questionable things in my time, and I have never seen them turn into ruins. They always bloom such beautiful flowers of truth and home comings.

Live for yourself and no one else.

This is my new wisdom pouring out from my little hurting heart that is drenched in possibilities for the future.