2022

I don’t feel the need to be nostalgic this year.

I don’t feel the need to conform to celebrate or to do resolutions on the Gregorian calendar year.

I truly don’t want to do what the rest of the world calls for us to do anymore.

This is a reclamation of what is true to me and my heart and making that my highest priority in life.

My inner wild child is in full force for the year ahead.

The past few months the layers that have been falling off and released from my being are the final remnants of the good girl, the nice girl, the people pleaser.

All my life I have realised I have put others before myself, every friend, every partner, every family member….and you know what fucking sucks about that?

Is you never truly do, say or be how you want to be in your full expression. You put their comfortability and emotions above yours, which in turn makes everyone put you last always.

You are left completely alone in your life, your feelings, your emotions become invalid, and people don’t give a fuck about you when you stop being the energetic force of always doing for everyone else.

When you stop reaching out, you hear silence. When you stop putting your energy in, it crumbles around you.

It was never there to begin with, and you couldn’t even see it.

I have made myself a secondhand character in my own life.

These last few months have been waves of me standing up for myself, saying no to people, cancelling plans because I didn’t want to, setting boundaries and not letting toxic people continue to treat me like shit just to keep them around.

It feels massive beyond my comprehension!

2022 has been a disgustingly painful year for me.

I entered the year feeling extremely alone and confused about so many things - Christianity, religion, spirituality, tantra, my relationship.

I went through initiation after initiation, purge after purge.

My year was full of grief, ache, pain, depression, and heartbreaks.

Nothing was spared, all parts of my ego and identity were on the alter to be stripped bare, to be witnessed and restored.

Now, I am leaving 2022 with letting it all go completely, like the past is now finally done and reconciled, I have done so much digging and healing of all my younger years and now it’s time to move that into my embodiment of who I am at my core and expressing that out into the world.

I am finishing the year alone yes, with not really any end in sight, but with strength, courage and a fully expanded heart for what’s to come.

I am taking full responsibility for enabling my relationships and my life to be like this, I just didn’t realise at the time, but I know now.

I feel like I have been in a massive preparation space all year (well the past few years, but this one specifically was incredibly potent for me to see and remember who I was and what I wasn’t anymore).

Truly going back and collecting the final pieces of my fragmented self and loving them back to life.

So many of my ex-boyfriends returned this year, and I wasn’t sure at the time why, but looking back I can see the thread of connection being when we heal moments in time and our system, people can feel it.

I did so much work on my relationship with the masculine this year and so many Men from my past reached out.

Whether they could feel it on a subconscious level or not, I do not know.

What I do know is that it was so healing for me to be able to see in the physical that I wasn’t a worthless chapter in people’s lives.

For such a long time I held on to the belief that I wasn’t worthy and the whole time the role was always reversed, and I just couldn’t see it.

Well now I see it. I see it all.

What I am yes to, what I do not want and what I am a no to.

How magical and special I really am, and I just have never seen it before.

Like it is finally landing on my cells and becoming a felt sensation in my being, a knowing that I am a fucking main character, and I am so worthy, so deserving and actually ready to make that my declaration and way I move in 2023.

The nice girl is dead.

Forever putting the needs of others above my own and caring more about others comfort and emotions has left me forever solidifying old stories and ancient wounds from long ago that are just not true anymore.

I am moving into 2023 with relief. It feels done.

I am making a commitment to myself to move with unwavering devotion to myself, my heart, my full expression and knowing that is my purpose.

All the rest is noise I wish to silence.

I have spent 2022 mostly alone, metaphorically and physically, and in the greatest pits of despair and depression.

I have battled relentless thoughts and feelings of wanting to end it all, because what is the fucking point.

I really had to tend to my human self and all the aches that come with being fully alive and anchored in a world that I just really don’t understand.

And I did it all by myself.

No family or friends helped me through this passage. (Actually, special mention to 2 dear friends that knew what was going on behind the scenes and were there for me, however one of those friends I have had to say goodbye to, which breaks my heart).

What this has taught me, is that I actually don’t need anyone.

I am far more strong, resilient and powerful than I give myself credit for.

I have built my capacity to hold it all and feel the stretch without breaking….

and

when the person who allowed these people to treat you a certain way and enabled the unbalanced roles in relationship dynamics dies, so too does the relationship cease to exist.

It is painful, but it is also liberating.

My word last year was trust and wow did I have to trust everything that was being unearthed for me to see.

I had to trust the process of getting my heart broken, of being alone, of my own connection to what is true and my intuition.

Trust was such a theme, because I absolutely trust that everything is always happening for me.

I trust that if it’s from source, I do not have to force.

I trust that my highest alignment and liberation comes from following my heart and not indoctrination.

I trust my body above ANYTHING else.

I trust that I am divinely held and guided always.

I trust that the best is yet to come.

I trust that the choices I make are always the right ones.

I trust myself.

I trust that my mission and purpose is unfolding exactly as it should be and in a time that is perfect.

I trust that 2022 was exactly what I needed for my evolution and growth, and the last 35 years of my life have also been an intricately orchestrated masterpiece.

I trust my own gifts, my power and my joyful thirst for all of life’s edges will never lead me astray.

And I absolutely trust that 2023 is ready for me to be my baddest, most authentic, wildest expression of my full spectrum Woman.

I believe this to be true for you too, if you claim it to be so.

It feels like a very crucial moment in time to release the past in a non-wounded way and look to the future to co-create incredible things.

Let’s get it xx