dancing with desire
There is a desire within me, as a woman, to be consumed completely and surrender to the abyss of nothingness.
To melt in ecstasy and succumb to someone who has got me completely. My heart, my soul, my body.
Caressed and held in tenderness, but grounded strength, so I can truly let go and ride the waves of pleasure.
To me, this womanly desire is primal, its ancient and its sacred.
The longing in the heart for such a connection of raw passion that craves the connection of the masculine to coax it out of me… slowly, erotically and fiercely.
The type of love making that has you shaking and begging for more.
This dynamic we usually see play out in toxic love, romantic relationships that are traumatic bonds and its what most women crave in the bedroom long after they find the man of their dreams and perhaps become a wife.
The good girl, the good wife, the best friend role that we sometimes hold on to in long term relationships can be one that slowly crushes our soul and deepest desire to be fucked wide open by our partners.
A lot of this authentic desire gets covered in shame. Shame can be an intense pleasure eraser and disconnect us from our organic essence as a sexual being.
I once had a boyfriend tell me that he could never marry me or have children with me because of how sexual I was in the bedroom (obviously way too much for him and his sexual contentment), he wanted a “good wife”, a non sexual being who raised his children.
I am not that.
I am buck wild, a rebel, a person who takes takes great joy out of drinking ALL of life in, especially the good parts…like sex. All different flavours baby, let me taste it all!!
The point of this story is, I carried the scars from that remark and it left a deep wound around my sexuality around long term love for far too long. I had to do some really deep deconditioning around what it meant to be sexual and in a relationship and for a long time I would feel I was only worthy of short term love and flings. Even in my marriage to this day, that imprint leaves a foul taste in my mouth and sometimes the “good wife” conditioning takes over my deepest desires and sex life.
Because when someone attacks your sexuality, it really lands on a very soul deep layer. It hurts and is deeply wounding. I see this in my spaces with women every day, the imprint left on them by snide remarks from partners, lovers, friends and family.
Maybe I’m too sexual? Maybe I’m not “good enough” to be in a long term relationship? I’m too slutty. I’m not sexy enough, I’m too sexy, I am only good enough to have sex with… the list and the many ways this comes out of Women’s mouths are a collective wound that speaks the same tone -
At the deepest core, I’m too much of something, and not enough of something else.
Why do I share this story?
Because Its one that emanates the reality for SO MANY WOMEN.
The “too much” wound.
When in reality, they were not enough for you (this rephrase actually came from my dear friend Bridie, who spoke about lovers that can’t navigate the waves of the feminine because they can’t match and hold you in the strength of their masculine. Being too afraid to hold up that mirror and haven’t delved to the depths themselves yet, projection of your “too muchness” is a reflection of all the ways they are not enough to meet you there yet).
Sexual shame is a story many women carry also, one that I work on in every client session, its a big one!!
And I think the real ocean of sadness here that we seem to be drowning in, is the fact that all this sexual shame, all of this too muchness, this unworthiness, wounding around sexuality and guilt that we seem to be collectively carrying is completely cutting us off from our primal and erotic nature and our undeniable destiny with love in human form is left completely severed from truth.
I feel, the most common driving force in the primal feminine is one that wants to dance with desire so deeply…. but is not allowing that sacred dance, therefore is left unsatisfied and lifeless.
The feminine wants to be penetrated by the masculine.
The feminine then turns into the raging or wounded feminine, or into her own masculine to fulfill that need herself.
Repressing the ocean of desire within her, she bears down so tightly, that she forgets how to let go and surrender completely…
And so the aching continues.
The craving of wanting to be seen on the deepest layers of your feminine being, the yearning of an unshakeable masculine presence, the desire of an aware man to hold you down and fill you up at the same time.
Ooof…..
my oh my, its the tale that transcends time and space.
The dance of desire and the insatiable longing for another to go all the way to the depths with you, so you can surrender and receive.
Nothing speaks to my deeply Feminine Heart more purely than this.